


You can be loved (I can love you)

by Joy_pastel_Sol



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know where I'm going with this tbh, M/M, Making Out, Masturbation, Nightmares, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Recovery, Rape in chapter 1, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, academic failure, like really, mentions of smoking and drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-03-23 14:51:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13790019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joy_pastel_Sol/pseuds/Joy_pastel_Sol
Summary: Jaebeom had been raped. The fear of loving and being loved (but the need, too).





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING : RAPE

_Jaebeom did not want this friend of his parents and her wife to come. It was annoying, he would have to stay in the living room, with adults whose he did not remember their faces, answering to annoying questions and hearing equally annoying conversations. He would have to endure it._

 

_His parents’ friends were actually bearable. Apart from the redundant and eternal questions and comments (“So now you’re….? – I’m 17.”, “Do you study well?”, “Do you have a girlfriend?”, “You grew up so much!” “You’re almost a man now.” while touching his arm), both of them have been quite nice so far. But maybe not as nice as you-can-live-in-my-house-during-two-days, though. His parents forgot indeed to inform their son that their guests would stay the whole week-end. Jaebeom was kind of pissed off, but not as much as before, he would survive._

 

_It was -finally- time to go to bed for everyone. Jaebeom was brushing his teeth, closing his eyes out of habit when suddenly two hands fell on his shoulders, firmly. Startled, he jumped and let out a yell. The owner of the hands chuckled._

_“Oh my god, big boy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”_

_It was the husband. Jaebeom shrugged his shoulders._

_“It’s fine.”_

_“Well, I just wanted to take this…” the man leaned on Jaebeom to reach for a little box on the shelf, situated just above the mirror they were standing in front of. Jaebeom could feel the chest of the guest pressing against his back, and true to be told, he felt uneasy. He was not fond of skinship, let alone from a man almost unknown. Once the said man got what he wanted, he took some steps back and started to go for the door._

_"Goodnight, Jaebeom.”_

_"Sleep well.”_

 

_Mind still tangled in the slumber haziness, Jaebeom slowly woke up. The fact that a body was stuck again his was registered a bit late, but immediately after it made it to his brain he rolled away, astounded. The room was deadly silent, apart from the terrifying ruffling of the sheets caused by the person behind him, in his bed. In the darkness, Jaebeom eventually recognized the husband._

_"Wh-!“ he started to shout, but the man roughly smashed his hand on the boy's mouth while rolling closer and looking at him right in the eyes. Jaebeom was petrified._

_"Shh, stay silent, Jaebeom, fuck. Don’t say a word.” the man whispered harshly._

_The boy stared at him with wide eyes, not entirely processing the situation. The husband shifted and manhandled him on his abdomen, to yank abruptly Jaebeom’s sweatpants down. The boy tried to resist, but as soon as he attempted to raise himself on his elbows the man grabbed his head and pushed it violently against the pillow. Jaebeom was suffocating. He suddenly felt fingers between his butt cheeks, a place nobody was supposed to touch, and he felt so helpless, this could not be happening right now. The heavy breath of the man hovering him was disgusting, everything was, he wanted to puke or to die._

_After an eternity when unwanted fingers were stretching his sphincter, the man forced himself inside of the boy, a hand still pressing his face into the pillow, making Jaebeom dangerously dizzy. The pain was so overwhelming he started to cry soundlessly, shaking uncontrollably, he felt like he was ripped in two. The man let out a low groan that made Jaebeom skin prickle in disgust. He managed somehow to turn his head on the side a little, so he could breathe but the man started pistoning, and Jaebeom thought he could really pass out at any moment. It would have been better. Everything would have been better than this fucking unfair thing._

 

In his life until now, Jaebeom has received a fair amount of praises over his looks, his sharp eyes, his broad shoulders, his strong legs. Girls were often intimidated by him but secretly wished to be his girlfriend.

Frankly, it made Jaebeom quite uncomfortable. He noticed soon enough that girls did not interested him like _that_ , even if he tried not to think about it.

Not thinking too much was safer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi~ I don't think anybody read anything of what I write, but lol I'm here. Actually I want to write more, but I struggle because I don't like how I write... Anywayyy I feel like this is  
> kind of rushed, it could have been better I guess, but I'm still posting it without thinking  
> too much about it. And I haven't planned at all how this story will go on, so we'll see ^^
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave comments, I love reading what you think~  
> And support GOT7! (but you do what you want haha)
> 
> Thank you for reading n_n  
> You can follow me on twitter if you want ([@joypastelsol7](https://twitter.com/joypastelsol7))


	2. II

Now 22 years old, the days were passing by without any major inconvenience. He went to university, came back to his small studio apartment, ate, studied, slept. Everything kinda the same, everything kinda boring. Nothing to really hold on to. But it was fine, Jaebeom was used to this dull feeling, this grey painting his mind everywhere he went. 

Sometimes, under his bed covers at night, the memory of this unwanted other night came back, crashing at the edges of his brain and preventing him from falling asleep. These hands on him, this voice were all over him again, taking and taking and taking and hurting. At these moments, tears were threatening to run down his cheeks, the internal pain still fresh somehow. Sometimes, the tears stained his pillow, but he preferred holding back, ignoring the distress he felt.

 

He arrived at the amphitheatre, his body carrying inside to cold air of the outside. Most of the seat were occupied as many of the students took this subject as their major, included Jaebeom. He eventually found a seat in the front rows, next to a random student. Jaebeom opened his laptop and checked out his phone, waiting for the lesson to start. The guy sitting at his side was playing a game on his phone, and he seemed quite absorbed in it, eyebrows furrowed and lips pressed tight.

The teacher finally appeared, and the lecture began with the sound of fingers typing on keyboards.  
The teacher was speaking quickly, making hard for the students to keep up. The guy next to Jaebeom, the boy who was playing games earlier, had trouble to take note of everything and glanced often on Jaebeom’s screen. 

To Jaebeom’s relief, soon it was the break. The guy was finishing typing the last sentences by watching on Jaebeom’s notes, so the latter kept his device switched on. Once the guy ended writing, Jaebeom saw him turning his body towards his own, a smile planted on his face:

“Thank you, and sorry. I’m Mark.”

Jaebeom has never seen such endearing teeth, it was a bit weird to think that, but truly, this guy’s teeth were good-looking, and so was his smile. And his face. Actually, this guy was handsome all over, from his blond hair to his eyebrows to his eyes to his nose to his smile. Normally, Jaebeom did not really pay attention to others people physique, but now he was finding himself surprised by this boy’s attractiveness.

“Uh. I’m Jaebeom.” He mumbled.

Mark. An English name. But when he thought about it, his looks seemed a bit Caucasian.

“You’re Korean?” Jaebeom let out involuntarily. 

Mark smiled again.

“I’m Taiwanese-American, actually. I lived in USA when I was young, but I came to Korea about 9 years ago.” He explained.

“Oh, alright.” Jaebeom has never been really talkative. But Mark did not seem to care.

 

The following weeks, Jaebeom caught himself staring at Mark from afar more often than not. He watched him giggling with his friends, blond hair falling on his eyes and perfect canines bare. 

It happened that Mark was a friend of one of his own friend –Jackson- and as a consequence he would spend some time with the blond boy. He soon became part of the group, and Jaebeom felt unexpectedly glad about that. Even if he did not really talk often with him, he appreciated Mark, his easiness and the sound of his laugh.

 

So, Jaebeom was not alone, technically. He had some friends he could count on. But in his dark apartment at late hours, with no one in sight, he felt deeply lonely. Sometimes it scared him, the lack of warmth in his bones, but he grew used to it. It has become a familiar feeling, and even if it hurt, it felt like home somehow.

He had never told to anyone what happened this night. Even if he knew that he probably should have, he could not bring himself to do it. In fact, the more the time flowed and the more it became like a foggy nightmare, a unpleasant memory but devoid of any tangible reality. Almost like it only took place in his head. Almost.

He remembered that the next days, his parents have sent him to the doctor, because he was staring into space, have stopped talking and laughing and doing the typical things a teenager would do. The doctor said he was surely tired.  
But the after-shock state he was in did not last forever. From his 17 years old, he managed to hide this night at the back of his mind as best as he could.

 

One day, the news of a rape were heard at the university. Two students, apparently. Jaebeom did not really want to acknowledge more for it, but it became inevitably the favourite topic in conversations. A friend noticed his unusual silence when the subject came out, but nobody noticed the sudden stiffness he showed or his glistening eyes. Nobody but Mark, maybe, maybe not. Sometimes Jaebeom would caught him giving him a slightly inquisitive glance that lasted as long as the flutter of wings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos! It really warms my heart haha ^^ Anyway, I hope you enjoy this somehow, even if it's short...I just wanted to upload it.
> 
> Thanks for reading~  
> You can follow me on twitter ([@joypastelsol7](https://twitter.com/joypastelsol7))


	3. III

“Jaebeom? I don’t get this part of the lesson…Could you help me?” Mark asked between two lectures, before adding: “I mean, if you have time.”

Jaebeom looked at him, mildly unprepared. “Uh, sure, no problem. We can meet at the library once the lecture is over?” he suggested.

“Yeah, alright then. Thank you.” Mark replied.

 

At the library, they sat in a corner, it was calmer (even if it was already quiet in the library) and offered a little intimacy. Seeing constantly students coming and going could be quite distracting.

Mark opened his laptop and looked for the part he did not understand.

“Ah, here. See, I don’t get this, maybe I typed it wrong…” Mark said.

Jaebeom leaned towards Mark to see his notes. He caught unexpectedly a whiff of the boy’s heat and scent, which he could not have really describe, but it was not unpleasant. _Definitely_ not.

Mark giggled: “Don’t mind the spelling mistakes, haha.”

Jaebum nodded reassuringly.

After reading, he checked on his own device to compare with Mark’s.

“Actually, you forgot a word and wrote the opposite of what the teacher said, I think, look on mine.” he pinpointed.

“Ah yeah, you’re right, thank you!” Mark chuckled, putting absently his hand on Jaebeom’s thigh as a sign of gratitude, but Jaebeom’s body tensed up automatically and even he himself was caught off guard by his own reaction. If Mark were aware of it, he did not point it out and removed his hand silently.

“Hum, I think I will go home, I don’t feel like staying at the library.” Jaebeom declared, looking at his hands as he put his things back in his bag, brows pulled together. He was actually feeling upset about himself, about the way his body responded adversely to a friendly touch, reminding him of the incident – again. Always, like everything got back to it in some way or another.

Mark must have seen the abrupt contrariety on his friend’s face, and asked, honestly worried: “Are you okay?”

Jaebeom felt his chest tightening. “I’m fine.”, he mumbled.

“Okay.” Mark quietly acquiesced, a bit against his will.

Jaebeom stood up, ready to leave, but Mark barely gripped his friend’s sleeve with his fingertips, just to catch his attention.

“You can talk to me when you feel, I don’t know, a bit down or whatever.”

Jaebeom looked at him, a little dumbfounded, not knowing how to answer to that, what to do with this sudden carefulness. So he said nothing and smiled awkwardly instead. Mark let go of his sleeve and Jaebeom left, feeling a bit confused and warm at the same time.

 

 

Jaebeom undressed, setting his clothes aside on the chair. Catching a glimpse of his body in the mirror, a bright red patch on his right pectoral attracted his eyes. It was itching earlier, so he has scraped the area strongly without thinking twice. He stepped closer to his reflection, and scolded himself for being such oblivious, as the scratch was raw, with some dry blood dots spotting the skin. Now it was itching again _and_ hurting.

This minor skin issue was not something new, it has appeared several years ago (one week after the rape actually, but Jaebeom would not acknowledge that) and it occurred regularly, without any pattern it seemed. His doctor once said it was probably a form of eczema, and gave him a soothing cream, but right now Jaebeom had not any clue of where the product could be. To be honest, he might have lost it or threw it away a while ago. He kind of regretted it now.

Ultimately, he decided to put a band-aid on the injury and to ignore the discomfort, hoping it would heal by itself.

 

 

The next day, the itch was worse than ever and he could not help himself but scratching his skin again, not over the bandage so not to remove it, but just on top of it, nails digging in his collarbone. He looked for any cream to soothe the itching sensation, but of course he did not even own a basic hand cream and he was getting late.

He headed anyway to the university, squinting because of the cold wind. Then he realized he forgot his scarf in his hurry. A big sigh escaped from his lips.

 

During the first lecture of the day, he was again sat next to Mark. Jaebeom did his best to put the increasing itching at the back of his mind but failed as he was scrapping his neck almost constantly, and he must admit this was really becoming annoying.

He was seeing at the corners of his eyes Mark turning his head to take a look at him every now and then, and eventually Mark spoke up while typing on his laptop:

“Man, you’re like, injured on the neck.”

Jaebeom muttered something like ‘Shit’ and kept on typing as well while the professor was speaking, avoiding glancing at Mark.

 

When the teacher announced the break, Jaebeom went for the bathroom and was followed by the blond boy.

Jaebeom entered the room and directly positioned himself in front of the mirror, staring at the angry red peeking profusely out of his sweater, tainting the side his neck. He could feel that his skin was irritated under his top as well, probably more than this morning because his back was itching as well. From the mirror, he saw Mark approaching him at his side and his hands delicately pushing the sweater collar downward. Jaebeom froze, he did not expect this gesture.

“It looks like it’s worse under your clothes.” Mark commented, eyes travelling on the red patch. “Y’know what it is?” he asked while putting back the collar and looking up at Jaebeom’s reflection.

The latter swallowed. People were passing and glared at them strangely. “It’s eczema, I have it sometimes.”

Mark licked his lips mindlessly, like Jaebeom has noticed he often did.

“Don’t you have a cream or something? It kinda looks bad.”

“I…lost it.” Jaebeom admitted, feeling a little bit irresponsible.

“You should buy a new one.” Mark advised.

“I should.” Jaebeom falsely agreed, knowing a medical prescription was needed to obtain the cream and that it meant he would have to consult a doctor. And he did not exactly possess enough money to do so, he was already struggling paying his rent.

He told Mark he would go to the infirmary after the lecture, and Mark offered to accompany him. Because it sounded more like a statement than a question, Jaebeom accepted, a bit nervous even though Mark seemed relaxed.

 

Jaebeom knocked on the infirmary door once, but not hearing any sound coming from the room behind, he knocked once more and stronger. A voice finally replied, muffled by the door, to invite him to come in.

He opened the door and went inside, Mark at his heels. The nurse, probably around 40 years old, gave them an unimpressed look and asked them the reason of their visit. Mark stayed a bit on the side while Jaebeom described the state of his skin. She made Jaebeom sit on the cheap examination table before rummaging in a drawer.

“You must take off your sweater.” she ordered, face displaying a jaded expression and uncorking the cream bottle. “It’s not a product as strong as one a doctor could give you, but it should be sufficient.” she explained then.

Trying not to think of Mark in the room, Jaebeom quickly pulled off the garment and shoved it further on the table. Feeling exposed, he did not dare to look up at Mark, but he swore he could guess his gaze on him. The nurse got closer to him and started examining the irritation, to make sure the cream was appropriate for this sort of issue.

“Mm..” she hummed blankly. “Put it on your chest and neck, I assume your friend can help you for the back, since I don’t think you can reach properly the scratch here.” she said while placing the product in Jaebeom’s hands.

Jaebeom’s eyes widened the slightest bit, but he presumed she thought that he was more comfortable with his male friend applying the cream on him rather than her. Which was not an incongruous thinking, but she could not be more wrong. Jaebeom saw Mark watch her with amazement written on his face, but then Mark smiled at him and he was not certain if he has imagined it or not.

The nurse got back at her desk, seeming to try tying things up a bit.

Jaebeom poured some of the cream over the pad of his fingers and began applying it on his pectoral. He winced at the cold sensation, but soon the product warmed up at the contact of his body heat. Almost shyly, Mark approached him while extending his right hand, indicating to Jaebeom to give him the cream. The blond student put a bit of the milky substance on his palm, movements quite clumsy.

Jaebeom could sense a sort of tension between them, hardly palpable but here nonetheless. As him and Mark were not _that_ close yet and that skinship was not really a part of their blossoming friendship, the tautness hanging in the air was somehow understandable.

However, when Mark stepped behind him, slender fingers commencing spreading out the product on Jaebeom’s shoulder blade, it felt like it held something deeper, something scarier but also more exciting, but that could not be accurately acknowledged yet by both of them. It was just there, transparently present.

Mark’s touch was gentle, and actually Jaebeom leaned slightly into it, shoulders dropping a little unintentionally. Behind him, the boy was silent.

“It’s done.” Mark ended up saying, letting out a breath almost imperceptibly.

 

“Thank you for having taken your time to come with me.” Jaebeom declared the same day, on their way to the train station. The itch was less potent, fortunately.

“No problem.”

Jaebeom’s eyes lingered on Mark’s profile, but when the boy mirrored Jaebeom's action by turning his head towards the latter, Jaebeom shifted rather smoothly his gaze, not desiring being obvious despite the warm he felt swelling inside his ribcage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I hope is not (totally) bad to read. I don't really know what I'm trying to do with this, but if some people like it, I'm thankful anyway ^^ 
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave comments, it's always interesting/constructive/encouraging to know what the readers think~  
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> You can follow me on twitter ([@joypastelsol7](https://twitter.com/joypastelsol7))


	4. IV

 

“Oh, has your eczema gotten better?” Marks wanted to know, stepping out of the amphitheatre to go to the canteen.

“Yes, it’s less annoying now.” Jaebeom replied while he tried to adjust his snapback on his shoulders. He was struggling because his hood was twisted and stuck underneath one of the straps.

“Ah, great.” Mark commented with a satisfied tone.

Mark looked at Jaebeom’s hands for a moment, then when he saw Jaebeom failing at replacing his clothes, he grabbed without a word the hood of his sweater, fingers brushing over Jaebeom’s for a fraction of second, and managed to pull it nicely over the straps.

Jaebeom thanked him with an awkward nod of the head, and Mark smiled, mouth closed but still brightly, welcoming.

 

 

 

Jaebeom could not recall the last time he masturbated. A while ago, probably.

The erection trapped deliciously between him and the mattress urged him to do something more than grinding on the fabric. Flipping on his back, he gave up and trailed a hand tentatively, almost unsure, across his upper body to reach the waistband of his boxers. He was so aroused even this felt triggering. He began to palm himself through the underwear and let out a deep sigh at the sensation, heat invading his body suddenly. It has been so long since he did this.

After some moments rubbing his clothed dick, the need to touch it became too strong. Jaebeom was not extremely patient, therefore he slipped his hand underneath his underwear. He let his fingertips merely skim over his sensitive dick, breath becoming a bit heavier and rushed.

Without truly realizing it, the image of Mark was printed behind his eyelids, his beautiful face and smile all he could think of. His mind wandered and he started imagining Mark’s pretty hands on him, on his neck, on his stomach, on his thighs, rubbing and squeezing and kneading. How is skin would feel like, what kind of noise he would make. He wanted to know.

Once he felt that the teasing worked him up enough, he shoved hastily his boxers down his thighs and circled his length with one hand in a rather loose grip, that created sparks low in his belly nonetheless. He gave his penis two achingly slow strokes, reveling in the way his body responded so eagerly to his ministrations.

Mark would be so caring, so gentle. The thought of Mark taking care of him alone made him shudder, the release approaching – already - like a storm in summer.

He stopped playing around and stroked faster, Mark always in the background of the pleasure, and just by flicking the head with his thumb he came with an involuntary gasp at how intense his orgasm hit him, sperm maculating his hand.

However, soon the guilt of having used Mark to achieve an egoist relief replaced the bliss. He was aware everything has been only in his head, but yet he could not help resenting this heavy feeling of having done something wrong.

He threw his sheets and walked to the bathroom, standing eventually over the sink and staring at himself. Eyes harsh, cheeks unrealistically flushed, brown hair messy. He felt the compulsive need to break the mirror.

 

 

 

To Mark, Jaebeom was breath-taking. I could be a little exaggerated, however it was his personal truth. Jaebeom was beautiful everywhere, from his moles to his eyes to his shoulders to his heart. Objectively, Mark and Jaebeom were not genuinely close friends, like friends who experienced countless adventures together, since Mark did not know much about Jaebeom and Jaebeom did not know much about Mark either. However, one thing he knew is that he truly enjoyed spending time with Jaebeom and the fact that Jaebeom did not seem to dislike his presence, which soothed his heart.

 

 

 

“Hello? Jaebeom?”

Jaebeom listened to the voice over the phone, not really recognizing it. He did not know the number displayed on the screen neither.

“Uh, yes? Who is it?” he wanted to know, wondering who would call him on a Saturday evening.

“Ah, yeah sorry, it’s Mark! Jackson gave me your number.”

“Oh, I see. What’s the matter?”

“Hum, I’m just asking in case, b-but can I crash over you place.?” Mark asked, hesitation making him stutter slightly. But perhaps not, as Mark tended to stutter easily. “Jackson kind of kicked me out. Sorry if it bothers you.”

Jaebeom was caught by surprise at Mark’s request. Jaebeom never received a lot of visits, let alone impromptu visits, let alone visitors like Mark. He somewhat wondered why Mark was calling him out of all of people.

“Uh, sure. You can come over.” Jaebeom did not really have any reason to refuse, apart from his penchant for quietness another presence could undermine, but it was quite irrelevant considering Mark.

“Oh really? Thank you, man! I don’t have your address though.”

Jaebeom indicated him the address, actually not very far away from Jackson’s and Mark’s flat.

“Okay, thanks, I will be here in, like, 10 minutes.” Mark predicted.

Jaebeom agreed, and they hanged up, Jaebeom standing a little dumbfounded with his phone in hand.

 

Mark actually appeared at Jaebeom’s door 20 minutes later, because he got lost. Which was not untypical of him.

“Thank you again, Jaebeom” Mark said as he patted the other’s shoulder briefly.

Jaebeom showed him where to put his vest, an oversized denim jacket he wore often. Jaebeom thought it suited him well.

He awkwardly informed Mark that they could watch the TV while gesturing towards the couch. Mark agreed, resulting in him plopping on the said couch. Jaebeom sat at the opposite end, then took the remote before looking for interesting programs.

They opted for _Knowing Bros_ , but Jaebeom was not really paying attention to it. His ears seemed more interested in catching the sound of Mark ruffling.

Suddenly, Mark spoke: “That’s a lot of books”.

Jaebeom turned his head towards him, eyes focusing then on the filled bookshelves behind the blond boy. Mark was also looking at it, and Jaebeom made a shy laugh. “I like reading.”

“It’s cool.” Mark stated, gaze back on Jaebeom and an impressed air on his face.

 

“Jackson texted me, and he told me not to come back unless I wanted to get a sleepless night.” Mark sighed. The implications were clear. He looked at Jaebeom with apologetic eyes: “Can I stay? I mean, I will sleep on the couch and leave in the morning, no prob’.”

Jaebeom panicked a little, not used having sleepovers. But he could not say no to Mark.

“It’s okay, you can stay. _I_ will sleep on the couch, though.”

Mark’s eyes widened and he shook his hands in a disagreement gesture: “No really, Jaebeom, you already let me sleeping here-“

“Seriously, I sleep on the couch.” Jaebeom cut him, idea definitely fixed.

“Okay…thank you then.” Mark surrendered already, knowing Jaebeom wold not change his mind.

When Jaebeom was changing the sheets, he remembered that he has gotten off at the thought of Mark in this very one bed. He felt dirty.

 

Sometimes, Jaebeom still had nightmares, where he was left lonely and afraid and powerless. It happened less than the days after what happened, but even now at times he would woke up and burst in tears, unable to control himself. He hoped his puffy eyes would not betray him the next morning.

Obviously, he experienced one of them while Mark was sleeping in the other room, where if he were awake he could hear Jaebeom. He was crying as silently as he could, face buried in his knees and sweat gathering at his hairline. Jaebeom genuinely tried not to cry, he really did, but the tears spilled like an overflowing sink. He could not stop sobbing, he threw angrily the covers on the floor and kept on crying. He felt like his chest would explode. He heard a footstep and his heart jumped as he rose immediately his head in stupor. He distinguished Mark’s silhouette in the dark, still. Even if he could not clearly see Mark’s face, Jaebeom could sense he was taken aback. The brown-haired boy stared at him, not knowing at all which words to use to explain his current state, to explain why he was crying in the middle of the night.

“W-what is it?” Mark stuttered, voice low and deep from slumber.

Jaebeom did not know what to answer. He attempted to stop sobbing like a child, but he kept on hiccupping pathetically.

Mark’s gaze fluttered, and he ended up stepping closer to Jaebeom in order to sit on the edge of the couch. Jaebeom felt so weak and ridiculous he could not bring himself to look at the other boy, not with the mess that became his face.

“Jaebeom?” Mark said quietly.

Jaebeom did not react.

Eventually, Mark sat even closer to Jaebeom’s body and wrapped carefully his arms around his shaking shoulders, bringing up one hand in his hair. He felt Jaebeom tense a little, but he did not refuse Mark embrace. Mark started to caress his scalp comfortingly, uncertain, but Jaebeom seemed to calm down a little.

“Whatever it is, you will be okay.” Mark assured him, voice not louder than a whisper. He assumed he would like to hear that to, if he were feeling like Jaebeom now, so he said it.

They remained like this for a while, until Jaebeom told him in a broken mumble that Mark should go back to sleep. When Mark was standing in the bedroom door frame, about to close the door, he heard Jaebeom breathing “Thank you.”.

 

 

 

They did not talk about this later. Mark never brought up the matter, and Jaebeom was silent as ever. He just should not have let Mark seen him like this, helpless and weak. Shame was eating him inside.

Jaebeom was sat on a bench, wind dishevelling his hair. It was lunch time, but he did not feel like eating anything.

A student sat on the same bench. Jaebeom distantly looked up, only to meet Mark soft eyes. Wordlessly, Mark took something from his bag and began unwrapping it, finally handing Jaebeom a kimbap. Jaebeom stared at it, then at Mark.

“You didn’t eat.” Mark stated, almost accusatory.

Jaebeom decided to take the kimbap, and as soon as he did Mark started eating his. Silence settled around them, although it did not feel heavy. The wind was pushing Mark’s golden hair on the side and Jaebeom heart skipped a beat. He crossed his legs.

“Why do you take care of me?” Jaebeom blurted out, harsher than intended, but Mark did not seem to be hurt.

“Because I like you.” He replied simply, as if it was evident, not giving a glance at Jaebeom.

Jaebeom stared at him blankly, but Mark did not look back. Jaebeom did not dare to say it back, and silence dominated once again.

 

 

 

The next day, Jaebeom bought Mark a hamburger, and Mark never smiled so luminously.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! I try constantly to make sure the events happening don't feel too obvious, I try to stay relatively 'subtle'...I'm not sure if I manage haha. I don't want to rush things. Also, I hope the characterization is fine!
> 
> Thank you a lot for reading! Much love~
> 
> You can follow me on twitter ([@joypastelsol7](https://twitter.com/joypastelsol7))


	5. V

 

Mark stayed at the library most of the time when Jaebeom decided to study here. Most of the time, when Mark preferred coming back home, Jaebeom would go back to his flat too.

 

 

 

Mark was the only one individual who had seen him in the aftermath of a nightmare. Once, Mark did ask Jaebeom why he had been crying this night.

“You seemed really…. _distressed_.” Mark observed, saying the last word in English, but Jaebeom understood.

“I had a nightmare, a scary one. It happens sometimes.” Jaebeom half-lied, his heart threatening to fall on the floor.

“It must have been.” Mark answered without insisting for Jaebeom to be more descriptive. He added nonetheless: “If you have one of those nightmares again, I…you can call me.” His voice was a bit shaky.

Jaebeom tried to remain casual in front of a kind of concern nobody had never granted him with. Without formalities, Mark easily took his phone from his hands and Jaebeom watched his fingers moving on the tactile screen as Mark typed and saved his number in Jaebeom’s contacts list. Then he gave Jaebeom his phone back: “This way you can call me.”

The idea of telling Mark the truth had seemed appealing, but the lock he has put on the wound was equally strong. so he swallowed his thoughts.

 

 

 

To be honest with himself, Mark had a thing for Jaebeom’s shoulders (and Jaebeom in general). They were broad, manly, and Mark probably admired them because of the contrast with his own body. He was narrow, Jaebeom was wide. Mark was blond, Jaebeom bore dark hair. Mark looked almost fragile, Jaebeom looked strong. Maybe in reality it was the other way around, but that was not the point.

But Mark also liked Jaebeom because in many other ways, they were similar. They were both straightforward, displeased by sugar-coating things. They would rather stay silent than lie. Perhaps Mark was even more so.

They matched quite well, Mark had concluded.

 

 

 

The next time Mark found himself in Jaebeom’s apartment, it was because he has stupidly forgotten the keys of his shared flat with Jackson. Jackson has to stay at the gymnasium until late to practice fencing, and Mark, because Mark was a forgetful person, has let his keys inside. He did not have any mean to meet Jackson, so he asked Jaebeom again if he could come over. Although, he promised Jaebeom he would not spend the whole night until sunrise here, refusing to intrude too much.

This time, they did not switch on the TV and they sat closer on the couch, instant noodles in hand and mouth. The atmosphere was warm, comfortable like an early day of autumn.

 

Suddenly, Mark asked out of nowhere: “Had you ever have a girlfriend?”

Jaebeom nearly choked on his ramyon. He whispered nonetheless by the negative, voice as thin as a dry river. Intrigued, he blurted: “Why?”

“Oh, for nothing, I was just curious to know.” Mark replied nonchalantly.

Jaebeom tried not to look surprised, but his face surely betrayed him.

“And you?” Jaebeom interrogated back.

Mark’s eyes had a mischievous but somewhat nervous glint in them when he glanced at Jaebeom.

“Neither have I.”

“You’re joking.” Jaebeom let out slip.

“Why would I?”

“I don’t know, you’re…like…” Jaebeom hesitated, not daring to say it, what he thought of Mark. “… Everyone says you’re pretty. All the girls want to pick you up.” he finally dropped.

Mark’s mouth drew a small smile, while something that Jaebeom could not read passed over his eyes. Mark sighted at his lap.

“Maybe I don’t like girls.” he breathed out, gaze still directed at his knees and fingers fidgeting a bit. His tongue darted out an instant to lick his lips.

Jaebeom stared at him. He had not suspected Mark to like boys; not that it should really matter, even if in the depths of his brain it actually did somehow.

Soon, Mark looked up, expectance with some worry underneath filling his eyes, and Jaebeom was still staring. He was at a loss of words, afraid of either sounding mean or misplaced. Confronted to his silence, Mark’s features became sort of gloomy. He sighed, almost unnoticeably, and brought back his attention on his noodles. The noiselessness crashing on him like a dead weight, Jaebeom did not find the strength to say something to avoid being taken for a jerk.

 

Mark finally abandoned him one hour later. While usually the blond boy left behind him a bright and lazy mood, this time only remained a rainy atmosphere that felt wrong.

 

 

 

Jaebeom spotted Mark at the library. He had noticed that usually the latter did not really appreciate spending his time in this place, however he knew Mark was here today because this morning, he had overheard Mark informing Jackson he would stay at the university library for the rest of the day.

A bit apprehensive to step closer, Jaebeom watched him a second, holding tightly the macchiato coffee he bought. A grey sweater covered his frame, hair looking absolutely soft, focusing on what he was studying, Jaebeom almost turned back.

He approached slowly the table Mark was sitting at. Mark did not look up when Jaebeom stood next to him, but he did raise his head when a coffee was placed in front of him slightly urgently. He stared at Jaebeom, then at the drink, sincere confusion showing on his face.

“Thank you?” he said in a low tone.

An instant of hurt shadowed Jaebeom’s gaze. Mark bite his lower lip.

“I thought… I thought you would like it.” Jaebeom explained, avoiding meeting Mark’s eyes.

“No, it’s, I mean… I like it. Thank you.” Mark rectified.

Mark made some space for Jaebeom to sit next to him, and Jaebeom settled quietly, heart lighter. Soon enough, several of their papers ended up jumbled together like fallen leaves littered on the ground.

 

 

 

Jaebeom blindly reached for the switch, breath raged and cheeks damp, but when he pressed it the light bulb sizzled. The darkness remained and Jaebeom cried harder, the reminiscence of the nightmare much more vivid in the dark. He did not know why, but the nightmares were more and more frequent nowadays, and the lack of proper sleep was starting to take a tool on him.

He saw his phone screen lightening for whatever reason. It made him think of Mark. The usual but irrational waves of despair were suffocating him, and he contemplated calling actually the boy.

He hesitated for a while, regardless of the fact that more he waited, stronger the tears were falling; and that the more he thought of dialling Mark number, the more it seemed necessary.

Jaebeom took his phone with trembling hands and looked for Mark’s number. His thumb paused over Mark’s name on the screen, to finally pressing it. His heart was hammering sickly in his chest, panic rushing in his veins like the pledge.

After three dial tones, a voice made it through the speaker, impossibly deep.

“Hello? Jaebeom?”

“Uh…yes, yes…it’s me.” he sobbed, even if he intended to sound as calm as possible.

“Are you okay?” Mark asked.

A lump formed in his throat, he was on the verge of crying once again.

“I…had a nightmare.” he told Mark with a wrecked voice. He felt so lame.

Jaebeom heard some ruffling on the other end of the line.

Just by the sound of Jaebeom’s voice, Mark could tell the other was in the same state than the last time, afraid and overwhelmed. This was so unlike the Jaebeom he knew during daytime, therefore he suspected theses nightmares hiding something else. But maybe he guessed wrong.

“You’re okay Jaebeom, it’s okay…” Mark tried to help him, despite feeling unsure because he did not really have any knowledge on how to deal with a person all shaken by recurrent nightmares. He has offered Jaebeom to call him, although in front of the matter (a second time) he was not very sure about the right words to say. Hearing Jaebeom fall apart and so vulnerable still sort of deeply destabilized him.

Jaebeom was still crying, though it was quieter now.

“I’m here Jaebeom, you’re not alone. It’s okay.” Mark rambled. He thought his choice of words was a little bit poor, but he could not figure out anything else to say. That his words were cliché or not was not truly important at the moment.

Even here, he could feel Jaebeom’s fear, so he completed: “You’re safe, nothing will happen. You’re okay.It’s just a bad dream.”

Jaebeom tried to thank Mark, to show him he was listening. His body was having none of it, chest hiccupping erratically and nose running. In spite of it, he valiantly croaked a” yes, thank you”, fingers gripping his phone like a lifeline.

Mark kept on telling him reassuring things, until Jaebeom fell asleep against his will, phone abandoned on the mattress.

 

 

 

The next morning, Jaebeom apologized. Mark said it was fine, he has told him he could call him. But Jaebeom felt so bare in front of Mark, and he despised the feeling of his weakness on display for Mark to see. He was a man, he could handle his issues alone, he told himself.

Consequently, this night had been the only night he called Mark.

 

 

 

Early for once, Mark was a bit annoyed seeing that the amphitheatre doors were closed. Maybe it was a tad bit too early in the morning.

He decided to sit on the floor, back leaning against a wall and knees bent. Just as he did, Jaebeom arrived.

“The amphitheatre is still closed.” Mark informed him.

Jaebeom sighed. He sat beside Mark and instantly, as the quietness enveloped them, he became very aware of the body next to him: the heat the other was emitting and the short distance that separated them. His heartbeat was already starting to set up a faster pace but Jaebeom forced himself to remain as unfazed as he could look.

But then, Mark spread gently his legs wider, making his left one brush subtly on Jaebeom’s right thigh. The movement was so irrelevant Jaebeom almost missed it, however when the warmth of Mark’s knee remained a constant pressure against his thigh, he could not ignore it. Actually, it was all what he could think about.

He turned discreetly his head to take a look at Mark’s face. Mark was staring right in front of him, but sometimes his eyes were drifting towards Jaebeom. Then Jaebeom watched where their legs were meeting, and he had to close his eyes.

When he opened them, Mark was gazing at him, eyes so full of _something_ that Jaebeom wanted to break the silence. He did not, words dying in his throat.

They eventually averted their gazes. They stayed like this, leg resting on one’s another, until others students appeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this chapter at the hospital because I had a sort of epileptic seizure (while I’m not epileptic lmao) at university. Hopefully there were people and my friends to help me, but one of my front teeth is broken in half (like, I will surely need a fake teeth); and I have other minor injuries. Plus, I couldn't remember some things when I woke up... Hum. Cool. Also, at first, I was in room 7 hahaha, lucky coincidence.
> 
> Anyways nobody is here to hear my life story. So, I hope you like this chapter, I try not to be boring or mediocre but I don’t know if I succeed ^^
> 
> Thanks dearly for the comments and kudos!  
> Much love~
> 
> You can follow me on twitter ([@joypastelsol7](https://twitter.com/joypastelsol7))


	6. VI

When he had left his flat in the late morning, the sky of Seoul was as grey as its buildings and streets; a thick, sad grey painting the clouds and the life underneath.

 

The wind made Jaebeom squint, slipping through his hair carelessly on his way back to his modest flat. He had not met Mark today. Usually, he would see him at least once if not more, in a corridor, at the library, during lunch or whatever. But Mark had not been in sight at all the whole day.

He was a bit disappointed, in all sincerity. His mood was a bit brighter with Mark around, even if they just greeted each other hastily, even when he just caught the glimpse of a smile the blond boy sent him.

Now the apathy had had time to settle.

 

 

 

Jaebeom saw him the next day, at the library. Mark was resting his chin on one hand, leaning on his elbow and looking boringly at his computer screen. With his other hand, he turned over a paper, his eyes following the inked lines printed on it without seeing them, only to sigh deeply after putting back the sheet.

He rose his head then, and his lips stretched into a brief smile upon seeing Jaebeom. He stared as Jaebeom sat, rummaged through his bag and finally got out his computer and folder.

 

He was not here for ten minutes than Mark asked, quietly because of the location, but still with annoyance lacing his tone and closing his computer in an infuriated gesture: “Don’t you want to get out of here? I want to go back to my place, I’m sick of being here.”

Jaebeom blinked at him a few times. He wanted to tell him that not really, he was here to study in theory; yet the perspective of being with Mark seemed a lot more enticing. It made his heart racing unreasonably, even.

Jaebeom nodded.

 

 

Mark plopped on the couch with a content sigh. Jaebeom had removed his shoes beforehand, like Mark did, but he was still standing near the couch with his bag on his shoulders. He felt a little uneasy, because as strange as it might sound, although they were friends he had never spent time in Jackson’s flat.

He watched the interiors: it appeared to be less tidied than his, messier. But it was understandable, considering the small flat housed two persons, while Jaebeom lived alone.

However, now that he thought of it, he wondered why he had not been aware of Mark’s existence earlier as the blond boy was living with his closest friend. Maybe “closest” was not the correct word then.

“Were you living here before?” Jaebeom questioned, then glancing at Mark. His eyes were closed but hearing Jaebeom, he opened them.

“No, only since this year.”

Jaebeom hummed and eventually, he placed awkwardly his bag on the floor. Mark was not moving, just lazing on the sofa, so Jaebeom did the same and remained where he was. He did not dare to make himself at home, even if he was certain that Mark would not mind him. He shifted slightly on his feet as if breaking the general stillness would be unforgivable.

Mark ended up asking anyway: “Would you like some snacks?”

“Sure.” Jaebeom replied, feeling a bit dumb for not joining Mark on the couch already. His feet were like glued on the floor, his body disconnected from his brain.

Mark got up. Seeing Jaebeom not making any move towards the sofa, he said, soft teasing in his voice: “Will you stand here all the afternoon? You can sit.”. An airy laugh followed.

“Haha, okay.” Jaebeom smiled clumsily, briefly rubbing his nose with the back of his index finger, an unintentional gesture he tended to do each time he felt embarrassed.

From where he was sitting on now, he could see the tiny kitchen and Mark opening the cupboards. They seemed full of diverse food.

He came back with plenty of snacks in his arms, which he put all over the short table placed in front of the sofa. He sat again with a cover over him, then he picked a bag of chips. After tiring up the packet, and taking a handful of chips, he handed it to Jaebeom. The chips were oddly flavoured – sweet corn with cheese according to the packaging, the kind that people did not buy (except from Mark and Jackson apparently). He took one anyway. Chewing slowly, he figured that the taste was not so bad, actually.

Mark seemed to find them adequate to his taste as he stuffed some in his mouth again. His lips have become slick and shiny with grease. Only the munching and the ruffling of the bag were heard in the room.

“Do you want to watch a serie?” Mark asked, mouth still full of chips and already reaching for the remote, somewhere among the snacks that covered the table.

Jaebeom was not fond of series, he preferred movies. But he could go along with it.

“Sure” he shrugged.

 

The serie Mark chose did not quite appeal to Jaebeom, it was plain and unoriginal. His eyelids were threatening to shut down, and he was not even genuinely listening anymore. He risked a glance at Mark, and the latter seemed bored-stiff all the same, gaze heavy and expressionless.

A raged masculine moan and too much skin shook them out of their lethargy. Jaebeom’s eyes largened as the television’s screen displayed two hands grabbing narrow hips, the tangle of legs and the incessant noises of heavy, harsh breaths. One guy groped the other’s hair, yanking on it to bare the neck of the second boy, proceeding to lick it. The scene kept on unfolding in front of his bewildered eyes and their still bodies.

He decided to turn his head towards Mark, -filthy noises so loud- wanting to know if he was the only one stupidly flustered by this.

His gaze met unexpectedly the blond boy’s eyes on him at the same moment, catching him off guard. They were not expressionless anymore, they had gotten liquid and serious somehow, a bit confused even. Jaebeom briskly looked away and Mark budged a bit under his cover. He felt like something prickled over his skin.

 

“I have to go now.” Jaebeom indicated.

Mark got up, letting Jaebeom gather his belongings and putting on his sneakers.

Then Mark opened the door and once Jaebeom stepped on the other side, he stayed here quirkily, facing Mark, his mind blank and overfull simultaneously. Mark only stroked his shoulder as a goodbye. Jaebeom smiled back kind of nervously, and before receding back, Mark’s fingers seemed to linger on his arm, almost unnoticeably so.

 

 

 

Mark rolled up his sleeves in lecture, some sort of annoyance spilled from his eyes, and Jaebeom could not help but peering at the bare forearms on display, at the skin rippling and the tendons showing underneath and at the bony wrist.

He had never noticed such details about Mark, yet he was like infatuated. Mark was typing fast on the keyboard.

 

 

 

An inexplicable anger was boiling in Mark since this morning, maybe actually much longer, but now all he could think about was how much he did not give a single shit about this lecture (moreover, the others had not choose this subject). About the whole university even.

He was not even taking notes anymore. He shut down his computer before throwing it in his bag carelessly, then get out. The doors slammed shut behind him with a loud noise which relieved him.

Mark happened to be angry out of nowhere some scarce times. As if he wanted to burn everything, including himself; it would taste like acid on his tongue. This anger scared him somehow; in the past it had made him draw bloody lines on his body.

And he was failing his grades, too, slowly but surely. He had always been a studious student, but he could not bring himself to care now, the insignificance of it has become too much to handle. He did not know why he turned out like this in the meantime of several months. Why everything seemed wrong all of a sudden.

Not Jaebeom, he was the only thing that seemed right. Jackson was a dear, beyond reliable friend and more, but Jaebeom was bringing something distinctive, even if perhaps the boy did not feel anything towards Mark. It seemed a bit pitiful, however Mark was not even surprised.

He had always felt quite lame honestly.

 

 

 

Going to the library, Jaebeom saw Mark smoking in a corner, not able to realize Jaebeom’s presence from where he stood.

Mark had never smoked, at least not in the university or certainly not as if he was sucking on that cigarette like it was the most natural thing in the world.

On top of that, he noticed how Mark looked tired, his face a bit dark and quietly stiff, seeming to desire to stay alone. Mark was not like this either normally. Jaebeom’s heart sank a little at the sight of him. Maybe it was nothing, after all everyone felt down sometimes. Moreover, he was not really close to him, he knew almost nothing about the boy.

Feeling out of place and unwanted (Mark did not saw him anyway), Jaebeom passed by him without stopping.

 

 

 

Mark threw the pack of cigarettes in the bin two days after. What was he thinking?

It felt nice; warm and golden and also dark pink. The person over him did not truly possess a face, however these hands were shooting fireworks through his skin. The thought of Mark made its way lazily through his brain; therefore, when teeth teased his flesh and lips soothed his cheek, it was certain Mark was the person, he could distinguish his face now. It caused his chest to swell internally with content and sparkles as Mark caressed his body.

Then Mark grinded against his crotch, Jaebeom wanted to let out a moan but it stayed stuck in his throat. He actually felt like his body strangely did not belong to him, but the way Mark’s hips circled against his put the thought away.

But Mark removed himself from Jaebeom’s body so unexpectedly the latter felt distress overwhelming him, and he was unable to move, which felt highly frustrating. He was on the verge of crying because of how much he wanted the person to come back.

However soon enough a perky butt laid on his chest and thighs encircled his head, something hard poking at his chin. Mark, the person, was assuring him how he was beautiful, how great he felt and without really noticing it Jaebeom took the hard length in his mouth then started sucking it, like he had been starving.

His eyelids fluttered open, but he did not recall having ever closed them.

 

The sensation in his groin was greatly pleasurable, and he still felt hazy, so he began unconsciously to roll his hips a little against the mattress while a light shin of sweat formed over his skin. His own noises turned him on more and he felt the release approaching already. Although, the haziness was dissipating and he realized clumsily that he was actually awake. He stopped immediately his movements.

His alarm startled him with violence by going off suddenly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again dears~ I'm sorry the chapters are short, it's just that the ideas don't really flow, unfortunately. I'm often lacking inspiration and I don't quite like my writing style (plus English isn't my 1st language), so this could explain that...I want and like to write this story, but it's a bit difficult for unknown reasons.
> 
> But I hope this chapter is still understandable, and that Mark's situation doesn't seem to come out of nowhere lol  
> Also I believe the moment when the suggestive TV scene come up isn't really subtle enough, in regard of sexual tension or whatever, but I don't manage to change it, so -_-
> 
> Anyway thank you very much for reading this and commenting and liking ^^ Love on you
> 
> You can follow me on twitter ([@joypastelsol7](https://twitter.com/joypastelsol7))


	7. VII

Jaebeom stared at the moon from the window of the living room; the nightmare that had invaded his brain earlier did not let him sleep. Tears were drying on his cheeks.

 

 

 

On Friday, they finished classes at the same hour. They often walked to the subway together, because they took the same train. Except that the station where Mark stopped was the one after Jaebeom’s.

They jumped inside the train. It was particularly packed today, as Jaebeom had his back crushed against the doors, Mark was squeezed between him and another person. They stood so close, Jaebeom did not know if it liked it more than it made him feel warm.

Mark was a tad shorter compared to Jaebeom, and his frame much frailer. Jaebeom felt like he could wreathe Mark in his entirety with his body only. It thrilled him a little. Even, the desire to embrace Mark’s small body and bury his face in his neck sprang in his brain.

A rather rough movement of the train had Mark tumbling forward. His hands flied to Jaebeom’s shoulders, gripping them, and Jaebeom held weakly the blond boy’s waist by reflex. But he did not draw them away.

Mark’s breath was falling on Jaebeom cheek while Jaebeom’s breath was taken away. Jaebeom remembered out of nowhere that Mark once had said that he liked him; his heart stuttered.

Mark leaned back a little. Their eyes caught each other and what Jaebeom then sensed, the sort of awkward intimacy between them despite being surrounded by people, did not seem one-sided. His gaze dropped on Mark’s lips without really meaning to; however, when he became aware of where his eyes were lingering, Jaebeom rapidly looked elsewhere. He hoped Mark did not notice. His hands were still holding on Jaebeom’s shoulders, his fingers shifting a bit sometimes and his head down.

Then, the train stopped at Jaebeom’s station, consequently Mark let go of him. The blond boy said a “See you soon” which had Jaebeom nodding in return. Both avoided each other’s gaze. Jaebeom turned around and got off the machine. Mark could only see his back before the doors closed.

 

 

 

“Mark Tuan, 2 out of 10.” the professor handed him his test.

Mark frowned upon seeing the bright red ink mocking him at the top of the sheet, even if he was not surprised by any mean, as he had not studied at all. Nothing unexpected. The lack of motivation had been lulling him this past weeks, such as it did regularly since his very first year at university. Although, it seemed to be worst nowadays. Furthermore, he wished he had choose another path, something he would have appreciated more and that did not make him feel dumb, yet he did not know what. Or, maybe he was just the problem.

 

 

 

The coffee Jaebeom was sipping at the cafeteria of the university tasted horrible. However, he tried to ignore it. His brain needed the caffeine.

A person entered the room. It drew Jaebeom’s attention, a bit out of mind, and he recognized Mark, who recognized him back. The blond smiled at him and went for the counter. Jaebeom heard him ordering a cookie. He found it cute.

Then Mark was sitting in silence in front of him, draped in an oversized hoodie as usual, a mauve one this time.

The cafeteria was quiet, and so was Mark.

“How have you been?” Jaebeom felt like he needed to ask.

Mark tore off a piece of the large cookie and shoved it in his mouth, eyes focused on the bite of biscuit.

“I’m okay.” Mark eventually responded.

“Good.” Jaebeom looked at the darkness of his coffee.

“And you?” Mark questioned in return, his gaze coming up, to Jaebeom.

“I’m fine too.”

The rehearsed emptiness of these words made Jaebeom cringed internally.

“Do you want a bite?” Mark asked with his eyebrows raised after a few beats, a finger gesturing towards the cookie. The offer caught Jaebeom off guard (actually, Mark almost always caught him off guard). Jaebeom tilted his head to the side.

“Hum, yes, sure.” he agreed.

Then Mark took another piece of it between his fingers and he leaned forward, presenting directly the cookie bite to Jaebeom’s mouth. Jaebeom looked at Mark with a bewildered expression. Mark behaviour was a tad confusing for him, it made his heart following an erratic rhythm and his palms sweating.

Nevertheless, since Mark was not moving at all and kept the cookie bite in front of Jaebeom’s lips, stubbornness lying in his gesture, Jaebeom carefully opened his mouth. Mark pushed the piece on Jaebeom’s tongue while the latter felt Mark’s fingertips grazing unintentionally against the pink skin of his lips. Jaebeom’s insides made a loop.

Mark sat like he was previously on the chair and ate another piece of cookie.

Jaebeom suddenly thought to ask him if he smoked, even if in all honesty it was not important. He only wondered. However, he said nothing. He was afraid that Mark would be annoyed by the question.

 

 

 

The loneliness. At day. At night, when the memory of these hands on him was seeping in him like stagnant water. It was nagging at him furiously these days. Perhaps Mark was the reason behind it. Objectively, Mark and Jaebeom were not even close. He did not know if Mark preferred chocolate over vanilla, dogs over cats, movies over books. He wished he knew.

 

 

 

“I was wondering…do…do you smoke? Like, all the time?” Jaebeom asked Mark, after the latter had joined him for lunch and as they were chewing their food silently.

Mark seems a bit surprised, the chewing stopped, but it did not last long. He shook his head, his blond locks swayed lightly.

“When things get a little hard, but it’s stupid.”

Jaebeom did not really know how to reply to that. But then Mark wanted to know: “Why?”

“I’d seen you smoking not long ago…I’ve never seen you smoke before, so I wondered.”

Mark nodded in comprehension. He did not look bothered by Jaebeom’s curiosity, which relieved the latter. Jaebeom wanted to know more, but he bit back the burning on his tongue.

Then Mark’s eyes went gentle.

“By the way, your nightmares, are they still bothering you? he inquired.

Jaebeom gulped and focused on the black liquid filling his cup. He hesitated between telling the truth or lying.

“They…come back sometimes.” he vaguely explained.

He lifted up his eyes. Mark was staring at him, intensely, but Jaebeom could not tear his gaze away. Mark’s eyes were like magnets.

“But…”, Mark broke the eye contact, “do y’ know when it started? Or why? It’s unusual to have regular nightmares like this, no?”

Jaebeom froze. Mark has never asked such direct questions. _When it started. Why._ The memory surged and it felt like it stabbed his chest, he felt naked. He looked down at his fingers circling the cup.

“It…when I was a teenager.” he barely heard himself mumbling.

“Something happened?”

 _Something._ A lump formed in Jaebeom’s throat and his eyes became watery. Talking would be impossible without crying. And he could not cry, not here. His throat was so constricted it hurt.

“Jaebeom? Are you ok?” Mark worried.

Jaebeom tried to swallow everything, the memory, the lump, the tears. He managed a bit.

“No, nothing happened.” he said, even if he figured that Mark surely could tell he was lying.

The silence was nerve-wracking.

But then, fingers came within his field of vision, creeping on the table, delicate and wary. They brushed over Jaebeom’s ones, which were still gripping the cup. The fingers -Mark's fingers- grabbed his index in a hesitant motion, they swung around it, a thumb stroking his knuckles. 

Jaebeom trailed his eyes up to Mark’s arms, Mark’s face. Mark dropped his gaze and clumsily retrieved his hand.

“I have to go.” he stood up.

Jaebeom just stared, following Mark’s movements. He glanced at Jaebeom, as if he was embarrassed. Jaebeom opened his mouth, he wanted to say something, but nothing came out. He kept on staring as Mark made his way to the door and left.

Jaebeom did not know what to think. Mark made him feel things.

 

 

 

Jaebeom had cried all day, in front of the kitchen counter, on his couch, facing the mirror. It felt like a nightmare, but awake.

He laid on his bed, wondering what he would look like with blood oozing from his veins, forming a puddle on the floor. What he would look like with empty eyes and paper white skin.

However only the tears poured out. He wished he was not alone.

 

 

 

He saw Mark the next day. It started a bit awkward, but soon it felt familiar again. Mark was waiting for a class, and Jaebeom was about to leave. He decided to kept Mark company for the waiting time, he did not truly want to go back to his flat, anyway.

They did small talk, broken by short silences, and then Mark blurted out:

“I’m sorry for the other day.”

“You don’t have to apologize.” Jaebeom replied.

“I left like that, it was silly.” Mark insisted.

“It’s okay, I understand.”

“I still wanted to apologize.”

“Alright, but it’s fine.” Jaebeom persevered.

He put a hand on Mark’s biceps to emphasize his words, half-instinctively, half-intentionally while Mark nodded in surrender. But he figured that perhaps Mark did not appreciate to be touch, and the contact felt wrong all of a sudden. He swiftly retreated his hand.

Mark looked at his phone and told Jaebeom his class was about to begin. Jaebeom realized he would prefer to stay with him, not heading back to his flat where he would have to face the sorrow again.

 

Mark kept on spacing out during the class. Jaebeom was all over his mind and his heart, too. Maybe, probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hum. I'm truly sorry for the long wait, I was really doubting myself recently and it was keeping me away from writing (and from being inspired)...I hope you liked this chapter anyway!
> 
> Thanks a lot for reading~ Don't hesitate to point out any mistake
> 
> You can follow me on twitter ([@joypastelsol7](https://twitter.com/joypastelsol7))


	8. VIII

Mark hated university. Before, it could bear it. But now, going to class and lectures knowing he was failing anyway stifled him. Like his chest was crushed every time he entered a class. He wanted to run away.

He felt safer playing video games or (and) thinking about Jaebeom. Being with Jaebeom.

 

 

 

Sometimes -most of the time- Jaebeom greatly appreciated the quietness of his flat. Not now, though. It was rather overwhelming him.

His phone vibrated.

 _Mark_ _U want to come over? Jackson’s not here. We could Watch  a movie?  
_ 7:09PM                                                                  

 

Jaebeom was actually a bit surprised. He had not realized that Mark would want to spend time with him, like this. Watching a movie together on a Saturday night.

He bit his lips, fingers drumming nervously against the side of his phone. He finally taped on the screen.

 _Me_ _Sure, I’ll be there in 10min  
_                                   7:16PM

 

All the way to Mark’s flat, Jaebeom felt like throwing up his heart. It fluttered like a scared animal.

 

He knocked on the door. Shortly after, he heard the sound of keys unlocking lock before Mark appeared in the door frame. He was wearing something casual as usual, some white t-shirt and sweatpants. Jaebeom thought it suited him well, despite the outfit being plain.

Mark smiled, his sharp canines on display, and gestured to Jaebeom to enter.

“I’m glad you came.” Mark said then.

Jaebeom mumbled a ‘yes’, a coy smile on his face, his fingers reaching up to rub his nose bridge.

Like last time, Mark got out different snacks from the drawers. Although, Jaebeom was not really hungry.

“Which movie would you like to watch?” Mark questioned. “Like, we have some James Bonds, this one is _Joy_ …”

Jaebeom had settled on the couch as Mark had been turning on the television.

“Hum, _Joy_ seems good to me.” Jaebeom answered, but honestly, he had not idea what was this film about.

“Alright then.” Mark agreed before he opened the box and put the DVD in the DVD player.

Mark came back on the couch with a cover while the movie started. He served himself some chips, then offered the bag to Jaebeom.

They were comfortable in each other presence, yet Jaebeom still felt a sort of nervousness persisting in him. He swallowed his saliva, making his Adam’s apple bobbing a little under the skin of his neck.

Occasionally, he glanced discreetly at Mark’s profile. His blond hair was falling beautifully over his forehead. To be fair, from time to time during the movie Jaebeom glimpsed Mark’s eyes on him as well. It was messing with his heart rate. Perhaps he did not mind it that much.

But then, Mark brought the cover higher on his body and slowly lied down, placing his head on Jaebeom’s lap. Jaebeom froze. His stupefaction must have been showing somehow, because Mark asked, peering up at Jaebeom:

“Am I bothering you?”

“No, no, it’s fine.” Jaebeom replied.

Mark found fortunate that Jaebeom could not hear his heart racing. Jennifer Lawrence a.k.a. Joy was screaming at Bradley Cooper a.k.a. Neil in the television.

Jaebeom struggled to know where putting his hands, trying to avoid touching Mark’s hair. The other’s ears were particularly pink. It made his guts loop. He chose to train his eyes back on the screen, his hands carefully glued to his front.

At some point though, his hands protested against the position they were in. It was not really comfortable. The opposite of the fact that Mark was in his lap, which seemed more natural to him now. Jaebeom bravely ignored his erratic heart when he placed a hand on Mark’s scalp.

Mark made a small “oh” of surprise, which caused Jaebeom to retract his hand, mortified. But Mark kind of whined in disapprobation and managed to grab loosely his wrist, putting back Jaebeom’s hand in his hair. Mark’s ears have turned red.

Jaebeom did not dare immediately to brush Mark’s hair with his fingers. For a short while, he just let his hand here. When he began fondling lightly the blond’s strands, it was almost absentmindedly. It had quite a silky texture despite the hair dye. Mark shifted a bit on his thighs, sighing contentedly.

A certain peace of mind grew within Jaebeom, like this, stroking Mark’s hair. The thought of being able to do that again was appealing, but he did not let it linger too much.

 

 

 

The subway was crowded. Jaebeom sighed in annoyance before entering the train. Even if he was standing, Jaebeom’s eyelids were heavy, worn out by the day.

Then he felt this. He flinched violently. He was almost sure that the hand he had felt squeezing his butt had not been an accident. He looked down at the dirty floor, hoping fervently that the touch would not occur again. Unfortunately, it did. The hand landed back on his butt, gripping, kneading it, even traveling lower, as if the person wanted to bury their fingers between his butt cheeks (they probably did). Jaebeom’s whole body tensed, he feverishly closed his eyes. He felt like crying but he did not manage to react at all.

The female voice announcing the next station startled him but relieved him as well. It was his station. The bastard behind had come closer, Jaebeom could feel the crotch slightly grinding against his body. It was making Jaebeom sick.

The train stopped. The doors opened and Jaebeom ran outside. He did not glance behind, he just wanted to act like this had never happened and go home.

His body was shaking while he was getting inside his flat. The tears creeped up like sap.

Soon, after he had gone to the bathroom and curled up on the tiled floor with his arms wrapped around his knees, they spilled out his eyes, a never-ending river of salty water running down his cheeks. It felt like a wound was unstitched too early, as if the blood was gathering at the seams.

His body was still trembling uncontrollably. Jaebeom cried until he could not feel his eyes anymore.

 

 

 

Mark had noticed that Jaebeom looked tired. His complexion was a little dull, his cheeks had lost a bit of their fullness. He also noticed when his friend’s neck started to be oddly stained by red blemishes, and that Jaebeom was regularly scratching it, making its condition worse.

 

They were waiting together for the train again. Jaebeom scratched his neck for the umpteenth time, almost angrily. Mark frowned and he reached up to remove Jaebeom’s hand.

“It itches so damn much.” he sighed.

“Is it eczema like last time?” Mark enquired. He brushed a finger over the red skin. Jaebeom nearly shivered.

“I think so.” Jaebeom replied, his hand forming a fist next to his thigh.

Mark pouted apologetically. It made Jaebeom smile a little, a newfound tenderness flourishing in his chest.

 

 

 

The wooden seat of the amphitheatre hurt Mark’s butt. The teacher’s voice annoyed him. The noises coming from the typing on the keyboards made him grit his teeth. He would die if he stayed another hour.

He left once again in the middle of a lecture.

 

In the subway, the perspective of going back to his and Jackson’s flat, caused an anxious feeling to emerge. Jackson was busy somewhere else, but Mark was unwilling to stay alone. He decided to go to Jaebeom’s place, despite fearing the latter would mind his visit. He did not dare to send a text.

 

Jaebeom was falling asleep on his couch, fingers progressively going slack. But then the doorbell rang. He jumped out of surprise.

He stood quickly from the sofa to step toward the front door. He did not expect at all Mark standing behind it.

“Oh, hi.” Jaebeom said.

“Hi, uh, I wanted to come, I…I’m sorry if I disturb you.” Mark babbled.

“No, no, no problem, come in.” Jaebeom reassured him while opening the door wider, allowing Mark to enter. Jaebeom’s neck was still red in some spots.

“Thanks.”

Jaebeom closed the door. Silence. He moved over to the couch, Mark followed him and let himself fall on the cushions as well. He sighed. Jaebeom cleared his throat, then glanced at the other boy.

“Don’t you have lectures at this time?” he wondered.

Mark fidgeted with the hem of his sweatshirt. He sighed again. Jaebeom felt like that it was not the good question to ask.

“I left.” Mark mumbled, close to inaudible.

A lot of students would drop an on-going lecture sometimes, because of boredom, or sleepiness; it was not uncommon. But the way Mark had said it seemed to hold something heavier, even if Jaebeom could not pinpoint exactly what. He was not brave enough to ask Mark.

Mark shifted in the seat, shutting his eyes for a brief moment. He opened them before taking a shallow breath.

“Uni. I-I can’t anymore, like…” Mark started, unsure. “Like…I hate it, I don’t even fucking know what I’m doing here. It suffocates me.”

Jaebeom did not say anything. He did not know what to say. The confession was rather unexpected.

Mark frowned. “I’m sorry, I’m bothering you. It’s stupid. Sorry.” he began to stand up.

However, Jaebeom reached out for him, grabbing his wrist.

“No, I understand. I think.” he told Mark.

Mark peered down at where Jaebeom’s hand rested on his skin. He sat again on the couch, before looking at Jaebeom’s face. Jaebeom still had his fingers wrapped around his wrist. Jaebeom looked at him too.

Mark’s eyes flickered on Jaebeom’s lips, just two seconds, but it was enough for him to have them engraved in his brain. The idea of kissing them crossed his mind. And settled here.

Jaebeom stayed still, staring back at Mark. He had noticed that Mark’s gaze had shifted a little on his lips. It made him feel hot somehow, and it made him look at Mark’s mouth, too, just two seconds. The air between them turned liquid.

And Mark kissed him, simply his lips pressed against Jaebeom’s, warm and gentle, yet impulsive. Something bloomed within his body.

Before he knew it, Mark leaned back a little and it was over, his mouth replaced by his breathing. Jaebeom shifted his eyes down, and Mark fully moved back. Jaebeom’s fingers withdrew from the blond’s wrist.

When Jaebeom found the courage to face Mark, the latter had already his eyes trained on him. Worry filled his orbs, and Mark bit his lower lip; he was unable to withstand the other’s gaze. His cheeks and ears had become pink, but Jaebeom could sense that Mark seemed to feel guilty.

Looking back at his lap, he gently took one of Mark’s hands between his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. A kiss happened.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, at least a little haha. Tell me what you think~ Thank you for reading!  
> Love on you
> 
> You can follow me on twitter ([@joypastelsol7](https://twitter.com/joypastelsol7))


	9. IX

Jaebeom left Mark’s flat two hours after the end of the movie. The air had shifted a little between them, although nothing was said.

 

 

 

Jaebeom did not catch any sight of Mark for three days.

 

But eventually he saw him. Even from behind, Jaebeom recognized the boy’s frame. He was walking in front of Jaebeom, and Jaebeom wanted to catch him up but he was scared. So, he did not. He kept on staring at Mark’s back instead.

However, Mark suddenly turned around. Jaebeom came to a halt and he looked at Mark, who realized the presence of the younger. The air entered and exited Jaebeom’s lungs faster, almost making him lightheaded. Mark stopped too, his eyes a little wide.

Jaebeom adverted his gaze. Soon after, he heard quiet footsteps approaching and his name being pronounced by Mark’s deep voice. He sounded shaky on the edges.

“Mark.” Jaebeom whispered without meaning to, adding a small smile on his face. He focused back on the blond.

Mark nodded and bit his lips, out of habit. Jaebeom always noticed when he did that.

They stared at each other awkwardly for a moment.

Mark cleared his throat. “A-are you busy right now?” he asked.

Jaebeom’s eyes became larger. “Hum, no, I was leaving actually.”

Mark seemed to be hesitant, unsure.

“Do…do you want to come with me?” Jaebeom blurted out. His heart was racing.

This time, it was Mark who displayed a surprised expression on his face.

“Really? Oh, sure.” the blond beamed.

 

 

 

Jaebeom found himself being with Mark in his own apartment quite often, since (Jackson even complained a bit). Sometimes Mark would just sleep on Jaebeom’s couch, other times he would watch Jaebeom study. They would talk, too.

It felt natural and clumsy at the same time, but they did not mind it.

 

 

 

Jaebeom wandered along the shelves of the supermarket. He passed by the alcohol area, where there were tons of shiny bottles pressed against each other in lines. Usually, he did not even give them a glance, but not today. Not when the void and the sadness and the anger were bothering him again.

 

 

 

“You seem tired today.” Mark observed. He was sitting cross-legged on Jaebeom’s sofa, next to the latter. The dark-haired boy closed his laptop and rubbed his eyes.

It was already dark outside.

“I didn’t sleep well yesterday.” Jaebeom admitted. His eyes felt itchy and slightly watery because of it.

Mark nodded with a despondent expression, and Jaebeom glanced at the numbers on the digital clock. He frowned.

“Maybe you should head home.” he told Mark. “I mean, it’s late.”

Mark uncrossed his legs, but he did not make any move to stand up. He stared at Jaebeom.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Mark finally questioned.

“Staying with me?” Jaebeom mumbled.

“Hum, yes. Sleeping with you. For the night.” Mark’s fingers were playing with the sleeves of his sweater.

Jaebeom froze and his eyes filled with bewilderment. He looked at Mark as if he could not believe what the blond had said.

“I mean, just to sleep! – to help you sleep.” Mark hastened to clarify after he had realized that his words could have been taken wrongly.

Jaebeom’s face relaxed a little, but his hand reached up to scratch the nape of his neck.

“Like… sometimes Jackson sleeps with me. It can help, not to be alone, B-but if you don’t want, it’s ok.” Mark rambled.

“No, no, it’s fine. I- stay.” Jaebeom muttered.

Mark felt a soft warmth gathering in his chest.

 

They got under the covers, Mark wearing one of Jaebeom’s t-shirts.

When the ruffling of the sheets had ceased, Jaebeom turned the lights off. Their bodies were at a respectful distance of each other, facing the ceiling.

Jaebeom felt the blond turning towards him. He kept on staring insistently at the ceiling, now a dark blue because of the darkness and the lights of the street. Mark briefly set his eyes on him. Jaebeom let out a small sigh.

He heard Mark mumbling a “g’ night”. Jaebeom hummed in response, not trusting his voice.

Mark started snoring softly after a while. It made Jaebeom’s lips curved a little. Warily, he peered at Mark, despite the fear of waking him up. Mark looked ethereal like this, he thought.

Jaebeom mirrored Mark by slowly positioning himself on his side, almost holding his breath. They were so close.

The sound of Mark’s respiration soothed him, like a blanket of calmness laying over his mind and body.

Hesitant, his fingers moved on the mattress, reaching for the body next to him. He gripped delicately at the fabric of Mark’s shirt with both hands. The pounding of his heart was reverberating through his ribcage, making his hands tremble in rhythm. Deep down inside, he wanted to hold Mark’s hands, he wanted Mark to hold him. But he was not feeling bold enough to grab the other’s hand or to curl up against his chest.

Fingers firmly holding on to the t-shirt Mark was draped in, Jaebeom closed his eyes. The quietness of the night and Mark’s breathing lulled him to sleep.

 

The bed was really warm. His eyes still closed, Jaebeom figured that he slept quite well, even if his dreams had not been entirely pleasant. They had not been nightmares, at least.

He lifted up his eyelids, his chest feeling oddly full. And then he saw Mark, awake, looking at him. Golden strands dishevelled and eyes a bit swollen.

Jaebeom adverted his gaze where his fingers were still gripping Mark’s t-shirt. A sting of panic rushed through him. He put back his hands slowly, with the hope that Mark would not notice.

Although, one of Mark’s hands soon grasped Jaebeom’s ones, in such a way that it seemed Mark was afraid Jaebeom would disappear. Jaebeom avoided meeting the other’s eyes.

When it appeared that Jaebeom was not retracting his own hands from Mark’s hold, the blond released them.

“Good morning.” Mark articulated.

“G-good morning.” Jaebeom babbled.

Mark smiled.

 

 

 

When Jaebeom was finding himself crying in his pillow at night, he imagined Mark beside him. It was helping a little.

When Mark was going to university with this heavy weight on his chest, he thought of Jaebeom and the weight felt a little lighter.

 

 

 

A USB stick was handed to Mark.

“The notes of the class you didn’t attend last time.” Jaebeom supplied.

Mark looked at it with surprise, but then he remembered. He wondered how Jaebeom could know that he had skipped the lecture. They did not share this class.

“Jackson told me, and I know someone who attended the lecture. I thought you would need the notes.” Jaebeom explained without Mark having asked anything.

Mark accepted the USB stick and inserted it into his laptop.

“Thank you,” he said in a tiny voice. “even if they will surely be useless.” he muttered under his breath, bitter.

“…why?” Jaebeom questioned.

Mark looked at the other with astonishment, but shortly after chose to focus on the screen of his computer instead of Jaebeom’s eyes.

“I mean, I probably won’t look at them, or learn the lesson anyway.” he admitted blandly.

Mark kept his gaze trained on the screen, his lips tightly pressed together.

“Oh, okay.” Jaebeom breathed out. He gave Mark’s arm a little squeezed, even if his hand was unsure.

 

 

 

“This is clearly insufficient, Mr. Tuan.” the teacher said, his tone reprimanding.

Once outside, Mark lightened up a cigarette, one left in the bottom of his bag, all scrunched up and dirty.

He inhaled the smoke several times. Then he burned the paper with it. He wondered if he should burn himself, too.

 

 

 

Mark was not with him tonight. Jaebeom glared at the two bottles of vodka on the coffee table that he had bought the other day.

He stood up and opened one. He knew it would taste horrendous, but he craved for the same dreadful feeling of loneliness to go away.

He took a large gulp, wincing and nearly throwing up. He really hated the taste.

He ended up spread out on the floor, staring vacantly at the ceiling. He listened to the throbbing of his heart, weirdly loud. He liked the warmth sensation in his limbs and the numbness the liquid brought. Mark came to his mind.

But still, a single tear rolled down his face.

 

 

 

Mark woke up late, so he decided not to go to the university. He figured that it was useless, anyway.

At 3pm, sprawled on the couch, he heard his phone buzzing. He looked at the ID. It was Jaebeom. Mark picked up.

“Hi?”

“Hi. It’s Jaebeom.”

“Yeah.”

Then a silence.

“I wanted to know if you’re okay. Normally…normally you’re here, and you didn’t warn me you’d skip classes so I…want to know if everything’s fine.” Jaebeom continued, words a bit mumbled, timid.

“Oh, I’m fine. Don’t worry. I woke up late, so…” Mark explained vaguely.

“I’ve finished my classes.” Jaebeom stated.

Mark’s lips stretched into a smile.

“I’m waiting for you, then.”

 

 

 

It fell into a sort of routine now, remaining in each other presence either in Jaebeom’s or Mark and Jackson’s flat, without exchanging a ton of words.

 

 

 

“I really like your two freckles here.” Mark once spoke out as he extended his arm to brush a finger against Jaebeom’s skin, under his eyebrow.

Jaebeom stopped typing on the keyboard. He almost shivered under the touch, his eyes briefly widening despite himself. He brought his head down while an embarrassed hum slipped out of his lips.

Mark giggled quietly.

 

Some time after, Jaebeom put away his laptop. He stared at the carpet on the floor, forehead scrunched.

“Mark?” he let out in a breath. The blond’s name sounded heavy, doubtful on Jaebeom’s tongue right now.

Mark hummed, watching Jaebeom’s profile intently.

“Do you ever, hum…feel, I don’t know -how can I say it…?” Jaebeom started with difficulty. “Lonely?”

Mark furrowed his eyebrows.

“Lonely? I don’t really know.” Mark answered with sincerity.

He looked at Jaebeom. The latter’s face had turned gloomy all of a sudden. Mark scooted closer to Jaebeom, feeling slightly confused.

“Do… you feel lonely?” Mark questioned back, his voice gentle.

Jaebeom already felt the weight of oncoming tears constricting his throat.

“I... I guess. Sometimes.” he whispered. _All the time._

Mark squeezed Jaebeom’s thigh in a comforting manner. He was not extremely dexterous with words.

Jaebeom could sense Mark’s concern, hanging in the air. Guilt immediately creeped up his spine, like poisonous thorns winding around his bones.

“It’s nothing. I was just wondering.” Jaebeom ended up saying.

Mark stayed quiet for a moment.

“It’s okay.” he eventually assured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi~ sorry for being slow to post. I hope you enjoyed this chapter so far, and that it’s not too repetitive? Or poorly written?
> 
> And sorry not sorry to have included a sharing bed scene™, because I know it’s overrated, but I hope it was still cute or touching somehow…
> 
>  
> 
> That being said, thank you so so much for reading, liking and/or commenting this, you bring a smile on my face each time -3-* Don’t hesitate to tell me what you think btw~
> 
> Love on you!
> 
> My twitter is [@joypastelsol7](https://twitter.com/joypastelsol7)


	10. X

 Mark stepped forward in the corridor as he glanced at the walls. Some students were already waiting anxiously for their name to be called, reading their notes for the very last time.

He decided to protect himself from the general nervousness that tightened his chest in poisonous waves, leaning against a wall several meters away from his peers.

After an agonising wait, a cold male voice pronounced his name. Mark straightened up his back and went to the teacher who was waiting for him with a sheet in his fist. Mark bowed. He wanted to puke.

As expected, the whole exam was actually a contest of stares between him and the teacher. The teacher watching Mark, features contorted in an annoyance poorly hidden; Mark staring at the teacher and holding tightly his own hands together in his lap.

 

When Mark finally exited the room, he nearly ran on his way to the subway. Once inside the train, the need for a cigarette nagged at the back of his skull, like a needle stinging his brain.

 

 

 

This time, Jaebeom did not even cry. He did not even cry in his bed because of a nightmare. He just kept his eyes strained on the ceiling, mind utterly blank and tired. He did not know if it was any better than wetting his pillow with desperate tears.

 

 

 

Jaebeom was seeing Mark from the corners of his eyes, the latter sat comfortably on Jaebeom’s couch. Almost as if the sofa belonged to him, in reality.

The blond was emanating a feeling that was dripping down Jaebeom’s spine like honey. It distracted him from the screen of his laptop. He noticed the other moving. And then Jaebeom felt Mark’s hand settling on his thigh, light and non-dangerous. But it was like it was pinning Jaebeom down suddenly. He shifted his gaze on Mark with an abrupt gesture.

He saw Mark looking down at his lips. And back at the younger’s eyes. Something new reflecting into his eyes, something raw. Jaebeom felt small under this gaze. Mark’s tongue ran over his own lips in a flash of pink.

Within himself, too, something was changing. A burning heat arose low in Jaebeom’s guts, melting with the nervousness. He realized that he was frowning.

Mark’s gaze remained set on Jaebeom. The heat which the younger was feeling in his stomach seemed to scatter inside the room.

“C-can I kiss you?” Mark stuttered suddenly, the words falling like little stones.

The other hesitated, his brain and his heart tad lost. Although, Jaebeom’s head nodded.

Mark cupped Jaebeom’s cheeks, his fingers firm against his skin. Then, the older pushed on Jaebeom’s lips with his own as he angled his head and closes his eyes. The blond moved his lips slightly, testing the waters. Jaebeom felt like his heart was escaping from his chest. He shut his eyes too, responding shyly to Mark, also moving his lips against the other’s.

He tentatively placed his hands in the crease of Mark’s waist. It resulted in Mark pulling himself closer to Jaebeom, at the same time as the younger felt Mark parting his lips. His tongue swiped over Jaebeom’s mouth, and it poked at the line the brunet’s lips formed where they joined.

Amongst the web of emotions tangled within his mind, Jaebeom realized what Mark wanted. He wanted it too, even if he trembled.

Jaebeom opened his mouth, inviting Mark’s tongue in. Mark let out a low moan and slid his tongue in the wetness of Jaebeom’s mouth, the younger mirroring his movements.

Mark hands have settled on the back of the other’s neck, one cradling his head. Jaebeom’s fingers involuntarily tightened around Mark’s waist, and it seemed like the room caught fire.

Their breaths, their tongues, their lips mixed together as the heat around them arose a new want in Jaebeom.

Mark broke the kiss. He panted against Jaebeom’s flushed lips, but soon the older trailed a path down the boy’s chin, past his jaw, and down again to reach the expanse of his neck.

Jaebeom’s breath was stuck in his throat, and Mark pressed his mouth on the skin of Jaebeom’s neck. He sucked lightly, Jaebeom shuddering beneath his lips. Mark relished in the feeling of Jaebeom, his warmth, his scent. The blond began to tug a little on the younger’s strands, as if he wanted to feel the reality of Jaebeom against his own body.

Jaebeom felt Mark’s other hand, the one which was not buried into his hair, gripping his left shoulder. The noises the blond made had Jaebeom feeling hotter, his skin sparkling on the inside. Jaebeom was not ignorant about the feeling of arousal, but experiencing it with another person -with Mark, who desired him too, was entirely new. It created an overwhelming feeling in his guts that he was unable to name.

Mark kept on peppering hot kisses along the column of the other’s throat. Jaebeom was feeling the blond’s breath hitting his skin, his hair brushing his chin. Jaebeom then began to caress Mark’s back over his clothes, instead of keeping his hands still on the boy’s waist. palms a bit sweaty and unsure.

Mark dragged his head up to nibble at Jaebeom’s left earlobe, licking a little the ear just after. It elicited a deep sigh from Jaebeom, and Mark’s body shifted on the couch as he threw one thigh over Jaebeom’s lap. The younger’s heart skipped several beats.

Mark straddled him, barely rolling his hips, flushed with the Jaebeom’s pelvis. The latter felt a hardness poking his lower stomach. He suddenly tensed. He couldn’t.

It took almost no time for Mark to notice the sudden stiffness of the body underneath him. He hunched back to look at Jaebeom’s face.

Jaebeom avoided his gaze, his lips slightly quivering.

“What’s wrong?” Mark asked in a breath.

Jaebeom nipped his lower lip.

“It’s a bit too much, I don’t…” he babbled, leaving the sentence unfinished.

Mark frowned but did not comment. He got off the boy’s lap.

“I’m sorry.” Jaebeom whispered. His voice sounded broken.

“You don’t have to apologize.” Mark replied after a silence.

When he looked at Jaebeom again, the boy’s cheeks were wet, his face all scrunched up behind his fingers.

Mark stared at the sight of Jaebeom crying beside him. Something seemed to sit heavy in the younger’s heart and Mark was left confused.

Nonetheless, he laid with precaution an arm on Jaebeom’s shoulder as the other cried silently.

He felt so sorry that it looked like some part of Jaebeom has been broken inside. That he seemed to try to fix himself, somehow.

 

 

 

The lecture was boring, even Jaebeom was agreeing on this. And Mark was not here for some reasons. He stared at the letters on his keyboard, grazing his nails over them.

As his mind wandered on his own, a little question popped up. A little question asking him what Mark and he were. Saying they were boyfriends did not sound quite right. Too official, too frightening. The intimacy that they shared was something that Jaebeom had never let himself experience before. Or rather something he could not have truly experienced.

Also, he did not know what Mark’s perspective on the matter was, if the elder even thought about this at all. Jaebeom figured that perhaps they should talk more. However, this was nerve-racking as well.

There were so many unknowns, but Jaebeom never really realized it until this instant.

 

 

 

“Don’t you want to take a nap with me?” Mark asked out of nowhere one day, while they were going to the subway. The heatless winter sun was high in the sky.

Jaebeom looked at him with an incredulous expression.

“I’m so tired, and you too. Let’s nap at my place?” Mark insisted.

“Why would we nap together…?”

“Because it’s nice.” Mark retorted bluntly. He even pouted a little.

Jaebeom’s eyes turned into thin crescents as he agreed with a quiet tone, even though his chest was already heating up.

 

Jaebeom could not believe that he was (again) lying next to Mark in the blond’s bed, moreover facing each other. And Mark was not closing his eyes, the air so quiet around them.

After a moment, the elder rolled on his back. He seemed pensive.

“I’m so tired of uni.” He eventually started with a heavy sigh.

It made Jaebeom think of all the times when Mark did not attend the lectures.

“I mean, I stare at my notes, or more like your notes, and I cannot bring myself to learn them. I…I just can’t.” he continues, his gaze roaming over the white of the ceiling in unsteady patterns. Jaebeom did not interrupt Mark, because it felt like he was telling him something important. A confession of some sort.

“I will not even graduate after this three years because I gave up. I have no idea of what I want to do in the future. If I can do anything, that is.” Mark’s voice sounded harsher now.

Jaebeom cleared his throat, a bit destabilized by the situation. Mark looked more carefree, usually.

“I don’t really know either, you know.” He settled for saying.

“But at least you will graduate. You will have something.”

Jaebeom remained silent, biting the inside of his mouth.

Mark turned back on his original position, brown eyes facing Jaebeom. He scooted a little closer.

“Anyway, let’s nap.” the blond breathed out, shutting his eyelids.

Jaebeom stared at the line of Mark’s shoulders, the tension on his face. In an unexpected urge to soothe Mark’s worries, he moved closer as well. Hesitantly, he draped an arm over the other’s upper body. The blond opened in eyes as soon as Jaebeom’s hand came in contact with his back, surprise in his eyes. Jaebeom dropped his gaze on the mattress.

However, soon after Mark’s initial amazement, he pressed himself against Jaebeom. The younger’s cheeks were on fire. Mark smiled at that and rested his head under Jaebeom’s chin, sliding an arm over the other’s waist. He let out a satisfied sigh.

Jaebeom was not used to this, to the gentle breath hitting his skin, to the touching. But it created a warmth inside that he had never felt before, a sort of feeling that warmed his heart and his bones. A feeling he wanted more of but was afraid to, honestly.

Nonetheless, he fell asleep with Mark in his arms, the blond’s soft snoring sounding like a lullaby.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it~ (tbh, personally I'm not truly satisfied with it). I have a hard time figuring out how to develop this story, so I'm a bit frustated somehow. I had an general idea of the atmosphere I want, but I feel like I don't manage to transcribe it really well.
> 
> And I apologize if there are any mistakes, tell me if it's the case ^^
> 
> Also, I’m genuinely curious because I wrote that Mark was blond in this fic countless times (I assume you guessed that I was referring to his hairstyle during ‘Eyes on you’ promotions? since I started the fic at this time), but I never really described Jaebeom’s hairstyle… So, I wonder which hairstyle you imagine Jaebeom to have in my fic? Let me now in the comments if you want~
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, liking, commenting!
> 
> You can follow me on twitter ([joypastelsol7](https://twitter.com/joypastelsol7))


	11. XI

Jaebeom had heard a lot of people saying that they felt incomplete without the other person. It had seemed like a bit of an overstatement to his ears, then.

But now, in his flat still drowned in darkness, without Mark, Jaebeom felt like he understood. The realization made his chest drop inside, in an odd way.

 

 

 

When Jaebeom spotted Mark in the park after the latter had texted him, there was the same fluttering in chest again.

The sky was filled with a wistful grey that made the green of the trees, the grass, the leaves so saturated the colour stood out unnaturally.

Mark was sitting on a bench, elbows resting on his knees and a cigarette lazily brought to his lips. He looked mysterious, like this. Then he turned his head in the direction of Jaebeom and his eyes settled on the younger as Jaebeom walked towards him. Jaebeom’s steps lost some confidence under Mark’s gaze.

“Hey.” Jaebeom said when he reached the bench Mark was sat on.

“Hey.” Mark greeted back, throwing a smile.

Jaebeom did not really know why Mark had asked him to join him. So he stayed standing here, his arms awkwardly slacked at his sides. Mark inhaled the smoke before releasing it in the moist air, his eyes saw but not really watched what was in front of him. The people, the expand of nature. He looked up at Jaebeom.

“Can we stay here a little? I just wanted to be with you.” he explained bluntly.

Jaebeom drifted his gaze on the ground and repressed a coy smile.

“Sure.” Jaebeom agreed, voice small.

He sat on the bench beside Mark, keeping some distance between their bodies. But not too much. Mark took another puff of smoke.

Jaebeom fumbled with his hands, he hesitated about where to put them. He ended up placing them on his thighs, nearly gripping the flesh.

Mark was silent. It was a reoccurrence, but right now it had Jaebeom feeling everything and nothing. It heaped up in his guts. He did not know. The sky has turned darker.

He saw Mark leaning back too, closing his eyes and throwing his head backward, smoke hanging in the atmosphere. Jaebeom’s gaze was immediately attracted to the blond’s neck, his Adam’s apple jutting out underneath the pale skin.

A drop fell on Jaebeom’s cheek. He blinked and felt another one dropping on his scalp. Soon, the rain was pouring, the clouds letting their tears fall in a steady rhythm. Mark did not move, even if his cigarette was extinguished by the drops.

It did not take long before they were soaked, from their pants to their faces to their hair. There was not anyone in the park anymore. Mark did not open his eyes, as if he enjoyed getting drenched. Or as if he did not care.

Mark’s hair was sticking on his forehead, droplets were running down his cheekbones, his neck and perhaps the rain created some sort of courage in Jaebeom, because he blurted out:

“I like you.”

Mark eventually let his irises to be seen, his brown eyes setting their focus on Jaebeom. Like the younger, he had to squint because of the rain.

“I like you too.” Mark returned, without much hesitation, his gaze warm even if his eyes were barely opened.

It reminded Jaebeom of the moment when Mark had said these exact same words, after they met. Without doubt either. But for Jaebeom, now the words seemed to tangle up within his heart, instead of simply covering it like powdered sugar on a pastry.

 

 

 

Mark’s eyes were strained on the computer screen, right hand tightly gripping the mouse and brain focused.

There was a knock on the door, then Jackson’s face appeared through the half-open door.

“Hey, Mark. I’m going to make ramyeon, do you want me to make some for you too?” he offered.

Mark hummed in agreement, distracting a little his attention from the screen. But not for long as Jackson disappeared quickly in the kitchen.

 

Mark blew on the warm noodles trapped between his chopsticks before taking a mouthful of them. In front of him across the coffee table, Jackson was chewing with determination.

“I noticed you got pretty close to Jaebeom-hyung. You go to his place often. I’m almost jealous.” he spoke out right after swallowing the food.

Mark looked up with an interrogative gaze.

“I’m kidding.” the younger chuckled. “I mean, it was pretty quick.” he elaborated. “But it’s cool.”

“We get along well.” Mark agreed.

Jackson shifted on the ground, unfolding his legs in a more comfortable position.

“It’s good, Jaebeom-hyung, can be, how can I say… A bit withdrawn, y’ know? He’s not cold, but he doesn’t approach people easily. I’ve known him for several years now, and I noticed that.” Jackson explained. He frowned. “I feel like there’re things that worry him, but he doesn’t talk about them.”

Mark nodded. He slurped some of the soup from the noodles before putting down his bowl.

“We don’t talk a lot.” Mark shrugged.

“Why it doesn’t surprise me?” Jackson sighed.

“Sometimes not saying anything is enough. There’re people who need time before telling serious stuff or whatever.” the older pointed out. He brought the bowl to his lips again and proceeded to empty the remaining of the soup.

“I guess so.” Jackson surrendered.

He resumed eating his meal. However, the silence did not last long, Jackson lifting his head and staring at Mark suspiciously.

“So, between you and Jaebeom, it’s nothing more than ‘getting along well’?” he eventually let out.

“Why do you ask so many questions?” Mark complained, drawing his eyebrows closer to each other. In fact, he was quite amazed Jackson had already figured out that his relationship with Jaebeom was maybe less straightforward than a platonic friendship.

“I’m just wondering.” Jackson justified.

“We’re friends.” Mark reasserted. Without surprise, the words sounded wrong to his ears and flayed his throat. But Jackson possessed the habit of talking too much and Mark was unwilling to break his and Jaebeom’s little bubble for now.

Jackson did not look entirely convinced, although he gave up chasing information.

 

 

 

Mark dropped his phone on his laps, his eyes focusing on Jaebeom’s profile. The younger had fallen asleep on his own couch after he and Mark arrived. He had sat there and drifted off almost instantly. It has been a little while already.

The blond was resting his back on one of the armrests, legs folded in front of him towards his chest; if he moved his feet forward a little, they would reach Jaebeom’s thigh.

He noticed Jaebeom’s eyes moving underneath his closed eyelids, his breath becoming more uneven. Jaebeom cracked his eyes open and Mark watched as Jaebeom awakened slowly. He blinked several times before his gaze fell on Mark at his side.

“Ah, I’ve fallen asleep.” Jaebeom mumbled.

Mark smiled fondly at the younger. Jaebeom’s mouth outlined a smile too, in response. He straightened his back away from the couch and rubbed the slumber off his eyes with his palms.

“What time is it actually?” he asked then, his eyes looking for his phone.

Mark checked his own phone.

“It’s 5pm, you only napped for 45 minutes or so.” Mark informed him.

Jaebeom let out a reassured sigh. He did not make any move to get away from the sofa yet, so neither did Mark. They stayed in a contemplative silence for a little while. Although, a question began to nag -again- at Mark’s mind.

“Have you truly never had any girlfriend before? Or boyfriend?” he spoke out, hoping his tone came out as curious and not supercilious.

Jaebeom’s jaw tensed briefly.

“Actually…” he started, his hands grabbing his knees in a nervous way, “I had a girlfriend. When I was 13. Although it didn’t really feel like one at all.” he admitted as he looked down at his lap. “I don’t know why I accepted to be her boyfriend, I didn’t even like her. Otherwise, I’ve… never been in any relationship.” he breathed out bitterly.

Mark bit his lips. Jaebeom was usually more reserved about his feelings. He inhaled deeper some air.

“I had two sort of boyfriends in high school. Nothing serious though.” Mark decided to tell Jaebeom.

The latter set his eyes on the blond, eyebrows slightly raised.

“During the first year of uni, I was in a relationship, but a serious one.” Mark kept on. “His name was Shownu. We stayed together for a year.” He paused. “I didn’t have a boyfriend after him. I fooled around a little, occasionally.”

Jaebeom nodded in what seemed like understanding. But he also frowned a little.

“Hum, is there a reason why you’ve never been in a real relationship?” Mark wondered, careful to keep his voice soft.

Jaebeom brought a hand up to scratch at his eyebrow. He rubbed his toes on the carpet.

“I…I don’t know. It never showed up somehow.” He got silent and nibbled the inside of his mouth. “I had a crush on a guy in high school – Jinyoung. But I’d never dared to approach him. And I never saw him again.” he confessed. He fidgeted his fingers, scraping the skin around his nails. “I guess…I’m just scared. I don’t know. It’s difficult.” Jaebeom’s voice was barely a whisper now.

Mark felt something tugging at his chest. Jaebeom talking about this openly was a first. Silence fell upon them.

“Do you want to try with me?” Mark suddenly blurted out.

Jaebeom looked at Mark dumbly. “What?”

“To be in a relationship.” Mark clarified, his voice quieter. He licked his lips in edginess.

Jaebeom stared at him with wide eyes and agape, bewildered.

Mark chuckled, but it sounded shaky. “I mean, I know it’s a bit of a nonsense, but if you’re scared, hum, we don’t need to be official or anything, we don’t need to put a label on it, it’s…without any pressure, y’ know? We can take it slow. Be whatever we happen to be. Just trying to… be with someone in that way.” he rambled. And cursed himself for being so weird.

Jaebeom still displayed a stunned face, looking like a million of thoughts swirled in his mind. Mark started to regret having spoken in the first place as the quietness settled once more.

“I…okay?” Jaebeom mumbled eventually. It almost came out as a question.

It was Mark’s turn to be rather astonished. He ran a hand through his hair. “Don’t feel forced, I mean, it’s fine if you’re not up for it – it was just an…idea.” it sounded so cold. “And I like you.” he added clumsily.

“No, really, i-it’s fine.” Jaebeom assured meekly. “We already…, y’ know, so…”

“You’re right.” Mark breathed. _We kissed._

Jaebeom forcefully planted his elbows on his own lap, his head falling into his hands with a profound sigh. Mark quickly scooted closer, bracing an arm around Jaebeom’s shoulders.

“I’m just scared… I’m sorry for being like this.” the younger murmured, discreet vulnerability bubbling at the surface of his skin.

“Don’t be.” Mark dismissed.

He squeezed gently Jaebeom’s right shoulder in a repetitive gesture. Jaebeom finally removed his face from his hands to let them hanging between his legs. Mark fought the urge to kiss the younger’s forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading~ I hope you like how the story develops (I'm a bit confused myself tbh haha). I want to write longer chapters, but I'm slow so...  
> And I apologize if there is any mistake, please tell me if it's the case.
> 
> Also on a side note, I went to the GOT7's concert in Paris since I live nearby, and I'm so glad~ it was amazing and, at first, ridiculously weird to see them irl. They're so sweet (and handsome -of course).
> 
> Anyway, thank you again for reading, commenting or kudo-ing, you're the best n_n
> 
> You can follow me on twitter ([joypastelsol7](https://twitter.com/joypastelsol7))

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted on AFF (JoypastelSol) and Tumblr (@joypastelsol)


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